Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The chemist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Chemist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Chemist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Chemist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Chemist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “In that case, we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.”
Bad Hair Day
On the day of the nuptuals, everything went well. Nevertheless, Luke thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, ‘What’s the matter, daddy? Why are you looking so down in the mouth?’
‘I’m not really sad, darling,’ Luke replies, ‘it’s just that I’m sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig.’
‘No they didn’t, daddy,’ she answers, ‘No one I told knew.’
Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.
‘Aye, it’s going to be grand,’ said Jim. ‘I’ve got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’
Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.
‘Heavens, I’ve even got a kilt to be married in,’ continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.
‘A kilt… that’s guid. You’ll look smart in that,’ exclaimed Finlay, ‘and what’s the tartan?’
‘Och,’ uttered Jim, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’
Rupert and Elaine, young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately ‘phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, ‘How was the honeymoon, dearest?’
‘Oh, Mum,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic…’
Then Elaine burst out crying. ‘But, Mum, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Mum.’
‘Calm down, Elaine!,’ said her mother, ‘Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?’
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, ‘Oh, Mum…words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.’